benjamin franklin can kiss my grits. also, there are probably typos here.

If you were to ask me on Friday what the best part of Saturday would be, I would have probably said, “Meeting up with the marvelous bloggers at Lauren‘s thingy.”  Sorry, ladies.  You guys weren’t it.

I was lured to a random hibatchi restaurant on a sketchier stretch of the Harlem/Morningside Heights border.  Which, y’all, as someone who narrates her life in terms of food, is not exactly my favorite idea.  It was one of those painfully interactive places where you have no option but to glare at your server.  (Just me?)  In any event, after an evening of polite refusal I ended up with two filled squirt bottles of sake pointed at my face.  I demurred, and my hibatchi dude insisted, “More sake, more baby.”  You guys.  I have now found my response to every. single. question.

“Would you like fries with that?”
“More sake, more baby.”

“What are your feelings about the sequester?”
“More sake, more baby.”

Naturally, it is also what I will be saying the next time a strange man offers to buy me a drink.  Actually, I might modify it to, “More sake, more baby?”  Because I feel that the question mark adds a particular dignity to it.  As we all know, I ain’t nothing if not a lady.

(In case you were wondering, my old catchall response was, “That’s not Aretha.”  As in, “Want to go the movies?”  “That’s not Aretha.”)

So I made it through today without making a single dick joke.  I patiently await my medal from polite society.  I said a snarky thing once (probably more, but once by my charitable count).  Got accidentally abandoned with Gaby when in search of walrus fabric (and zebras, just generally).  I bought three cuts of fabric.

If I were a better person I’d list everyone’s name, link to their blogs, and be all individually gushy gush.  (God, I feel like I should change my tagline from “A sewing blog without the sewing” to “Do we really even pretend to care at this point?”)  However, I’d like to just make the observation that there seems to be the sewing community and The Internet.  As in, the sewing community is a warm, welcoming enclave in the sea of big bad.  Everyone I met today (erm, yesterday) was so smart and funny and engaged.  Also, because I’m shallow, I’d like to point out that everyone is really pretty.  The aggregate level of attractiveness really turns the sewing hag caricature on her head.  All lovely.

I should show you fabric pictures or my Meringue (which I found folded up with blankets and covered in lint.  Who wins at life?) but I am dog tired.  (This might have something to do with the fact that the bartender did not know how to make a Manhattan, so she just kept giving me three fingers of bourbon with a maraschino cherry dropped in.  In case you were wondering, she is my soulmate.)  Hey, who said I was a good blogger, anyway?

Enjoy the almost-spring.  I’ll be doing it from the library.  The edge, it’s where I live.

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47 thoughts on “benjamin franklin can kiss my grits. also, there are probably typos here.”

      1. Oh, randomly, there was octopus tentacle-patterned cotton at Mood and it made me think of you. I suppose it would be useful for Marine May or Oceanic October.

  1. If Benjamin Franklin weren’t already dead, I’d have to find and destroy him.

    Also, I think a catchall response is a good idea. It seems the cleanest way of escaping awkward conversations and dodging personal questions. My current response of a super annoying, simpering laugh is not working for me. . .

    1. Right? Screw bifocals, this daylight savings business is the pits.

      My pat response used to be a reflexive, uncontrollable eye roll/chortle combination. Why I’ve never gotten my ass kicked by a stranger, I’ll never know.

      I think you might do well with a Lucille Bluth-level eviscerating stare and sneer. No words necessary.

  2. I think your bartender should definitely be my future bestie. 😉 Cherries not required.

    I should probably update my catchall phrase from the side eye combined with “riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight”, but it captures my sarcastic eloquence so delightfully. 😛

  3. You’re right– we’re a DAMN fine good-lookin’ crowd. And what else is important? Anyways. Nice to meet you in person! Did you find walrus fabric?????

    1. I generally try to the avoid the “ladies be primpin'” clichés, but I wanted to ask for a show of hands of who exfoliated that morning, because no one had visible pores. Maybe we really are Stepford drones?

      We found the walrus fabric (and zebra fabric, as well) but popped out before buying because we didn’t want to miss the group and, well, we all know how that ended.

      1. Damn, where did you find that fabric? It sounds rad! I hope you’re going back for it… It was so hard to keep track of our group!

        I totally don’t exfoliate. I also wouldn’t show my hands, cause I bite my nails. #stepfordfail

      2. It’s in a sketchy 39th Street store that is closer to 8th than 7th. I can’t remember the name (was there a name?), but I will be going back for the zebras and shall fill you in. Both animals prints are actually in nice-ish silk, not the polyester nightmare I was envisioning.

        Meanwhile, I exfoliated myself to carpaccio levels and your genes have left you without visible pores (and fingernails). There is an imbalance here.

      3. It’s only that when people look at folks as pale as me, their brain shuts down to protect them from the terrifying paleness, so you don’t see the pores.

  4. This REALLY made me laugh!!! You can totes hide behind me in photos anytime. And, I can admit, I used a slightly scrubby astringent-y face cleanser that morning. Mostly cause I’m puffy as shit when I wake up. And my eyes are big enough already XD

  5. Love this story! Was so fun meeting you. You’ll have to email me if you ever want to get together and sew (and/or make Manhattans in the above-described manner — they sound delicious!)

    1. Absolutely! It’s so good to have meet someone near DC who sews and is not a total bore!

      With any luck, you will have settled into your career as a stay-at-home dog mom and expert crate-trainer/baby-gater, by then.

  6. The day would have been even better with a few more dick jokes 🙂 ! I’m pretty sure you were there for my hollaback at the street harasser, so you should have known that dirty stuff was welcome. A guy said something to one of us about being “a little heavy in the back” (I assume that means “big butt”); I’ve wanted to use the come-back “How about you suck my dick” for ages and finally had my chance! God bless America.

    Ahem. I think I swear more than many Americans (at least, Jackson has mentioned that some people have *visibly recoiled* when I’ve thrown a swear word in my sentences) but maybe that’s a cultural difference between America and Australia.

    I had a great time meeting you and all the others. I assure you there’s no beauty regime going on in my life; I don’t even know how to put on makeup (and don’t care to find out) and I don’t do anything more fancy than “wash face with soap, squeeze any and every sign of a pimple as soon as I notice it”. I thank my genes and my lucky stars for decent skin; unfortunately I have other health issues so just remember that nobody has it all going for them 🙂 !

    1. I was so busy being lost, I did not hear the comment about one of our behinds. Then again, once in Washington I was running to catch a bus and a dude said, “Fat pretty lady running for the bus.” My takeaway was that he called me pretty. So, I would have probably thanked him, then told him to go eat an, um, external organ.

      Americans are weird about swearing (but not weird nifty things like violence, but that’s another discussion). Swearwords are always welcome in this corner of the Internet, as is your genetically gifted skin. (God, that sounded much more “Silence of the Lambs” than I intended.)

  7. Hi Charlotte! It was totally fun to meet you! Wow, does that sound annoyingly perky? Probably the exclamation points, but I was excited to meet another easily-overwhelmed-by-fabric-shopper, so I’m leaving the punctuation. Hope you got your walrus silk — I’m having an admittedly hard time envisioning it, but I bet it was awesome. (Really as long as it’s not the purple snake panels, I’m down.)

    1. Meredith! I was fretting about your being blogless because, yes, it was so nice to meet someone who is also totally overwhelmed by all! that! fabric! (I also enjoy exclamation points—perkiness and all.)

      It was lovely meeting you. I am going to shamelessly stalk your blog for a lace-shorts sighting.

      (Also, that fuzzy Jason Wu bouclé is still at Mood. I came dangerously close to buying it.)

      1. I think I resisted because there were just TOO MANY choices! I mean, I was thisclose to buying a yard of the plum… then I spied it in mustard! Mustard or plum?! Who could choose?! But I just might have to go back this week. (And can I tell you how much i LOVE that you typed the accent on bouclé ? Such a charmingly pendantic detail that I can never resist doing! Even though I suspect other people think I’m really weird for bothering… but you do, too, hooray!)

        And yes, I totally made a blog so I could stalk fellow meet-uppers in a non-threatening way!

      2. The plum was there, too! So much of it, actually. If you don’t get the yellow, I will.

        I have to actively resist the urge to type the umlaut on coöperate, so the acute accent always manages to shove through. You are not alone.

      3. I’ve decided I’m definitely going back for it Thursday or Friday! I kind of hope you get ALL the yellow, so I don’t have to dither and can just buy the plum! Seriously you should buy some too so we can have mismatching skirts! (At least, mine will be a skirt… I suppose we could also have a mismatching suit if you make a jacket! That would be cute! But too much work for me, so skirt it is!)

      4. Okay, I will actually buy all of the yellow if it’s still there when I stop by tomorrow or Thursday. Never say I don’t do anything for you, Meredith. (If I were the type to use emoticons, I’d insert one here.)

        Also, it’s totally skirt material! I think a sassy 60s-style suit might be perfect.

      5. So I feel a little bad completely taking over your comments section here, but I wanted to tell you I’ll be at Mood around 3:30 today in case you’re in the area, too! (I’ll be in bouclé heaven!)

  8. I’m so glad you commented because we never got the blog list and I didn’t know how to find anyone whose blog I wasn’t already familiar with! It was so great to meet you too, you’re such a firecracker! Looking forward to reading your blog 🙂

  9. You are hilarious. Though we didn’t cross paths much on the meet-up, my (flaky, rosacea-prone) pores are oh so flattered to be included. I’ve been planning a plum and mustard ensemble myself. . .

    1. It was so great meeting you, Lee. You did point me to the pattern selection at Brooklyn General, which makes our brief (poreless!) meeting absolutely epic.

      You should join Meredith and me in the bouclé aisle. There are fuzzy plum and mustard wares to be had.

      At the risk of sounding creepy, I fully intend to copy your bento lunches. Seriously. I’m going to completely ignore the fact that they are intended for a child. Whatever, societal conventions.

      1. I already have recently acquired plum and mustard– or just yellow, really– fabrics and should stay far away from fabric aisles until I make a dent in some of the piles around here.

        The interesting looking bentos are mostly for a 40-year-old man, actually. He’s been taking soup in the Hello Kitty thermos the past couple days. Copy away! Making them is a pain at first but fairly quickly becomes just another part of the routine.

      2. I feel as if you have validated all of my life choices. Then again, I doubt the 40-year-old man cuts his sandwiches into Batman shapes.

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